God’s 555 book: Grace underserved yet given freely

I been having an unusual wrestling match with God.

Having grown up as someone disciplined upbringing wise, I always understood the reward system very well, but find it hard to accept grace for myself.

Some people may call it a benovelant spirit, always wanting to give but not wanting to receive. Some people may say its a bit of an elder brother syndrome or a slave mindset.

Don’t get me wrong, I understood the concept of Christian grace for a long time, that the work of the cross was and is complete. That my sin is forgiven not because of my good works but because of Christ sacrificing His life on the cross. But to understand it in my heart was a long journey.

‘But I don’t deserve this Lord’

‘ Yes you don’t but still I give you’

‘I dont deserve it’

‘Do you want it?’

‘I need it Lord, this forgiveness, but I dont deserve it’

It wasn’t like a major crime I did or anything, but the wrestling in my heart was real. God was doing heart surgery for me and the heart surgery was so I could push past all the stuff I did for Him and understand that I am saved and loved simple because He has paid the price and He loves me.

No wonder Jesus said that unless we become like little children, we cannot enter the kingdom of God.

When I was a little kid, there was this famous notebook called the 555 notebook. It was a notebook where the adults used to record all the money someone owed them. For example, a shopowner will keep in that book the name and amount a villager would owe him for a pack of sugar till the villager got his pay at the end of the month.

It was in a sense a grace book. A book where if you didn’t have enough cash then, you were given the grace till you could pay.

I wonder how many times God wrote down my name and what I owed Him in sin and debt in His 555 grace book and threw it in the uttermost ocean so that I could not fish it out. All paid. I wonder how many 555 books I needed.

Completely forgiven. That’s who we are in Christ. That’s who I am in Christ. Amidst all my failure.

And so I think Jesus finally won in the wrestle.

‘I don’t deserve it Lord, but I receive it and I need it. Thank you. ‘

‘ Finally’, He said.

Questions to ponder:

1. How do I view grace? Is grace easier for me to give or easier for me to recieve?
2. How does God’s grace change my life?
3. If there was a 555 grace book in your life, what would be the major crime? How can I lean on His grace yet allow myself to be transformed in that area?