Self-doubt//When you feel like hiding away

If there was a character in the Bible I have a ‘love-hate’ identification with – it would be the apostle Peter.

Let me explain – I love this character because so much of the gospels writes about him. He is colourful, asks important questions at the right time and shines as one of Jesus inner circle of friend. I mean, who else has walked on water, fished a coin out of a fish and caught loads of fish…twice?

And yet- I say ‘love-hate’ because I identify with this character so much in the weaker spots. How many times have I, like Peter, stepped out of the boat figuratively, only to shrink back and nearly drown when I see the dangers around me (Matthew 14:22-33)? Or acknowledge Jesus as the Messiah and the Son of God, only to be rebuked by Jesus at misunderstanding what that meant? (Matthew 16:15-23)

Sometimes – I wished I would be more like John, who knew his identity as the disciple whom Jesus loves. And then I remember – gee, he was once called a son of thunder (Mark 3:17).

But lets get back to Peter. And although I used to not want to be like Peter – I’m finding so much comfort in this character. I am learning that really the Bible is full of flawed characters, Peter included and the records of those stories, allow me to see how Jesus sees me in my own weakness and flaws.

One story that gets me surrounding Peter is tucked right at the end of the book of John (John 21), where after Jesus has resurrected, Jesus personally comes to Peter to restore Him. Peter had denied Jesus 3 times and despite of all that Jesus has promised that Peter will be for the Kingdom of God – including being a key person in the New Testament Church – Peter decides – I want to go back to fishing fish, not men.

And so after a miraculous catch of 153 fishes, reminding Peter of his initial call as a disciple of Christ (Luke 5:8), Jesus asks Peter 3 times whether Peter loved Him.

The scene probably sets itself around a fire, maybe one like the fire Peter warmed himself over on the night Jesus stood trial. And although before this Jesus has already included Peter as a key witness to his resurrection, showing His heart and acceptance towards Peter, Jesus comes again and has a talk with Peter.

Do you love me?

“Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.”

Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”

Three times Jesus asks ‘Do you love me?’ And each time, I can imagine Peter’s whole being doubting himself and questioning himself- ‘if you loved Jesus – why did you deny Him?’

Yet, when Peter searched his heart in front the Lord -the answer was still a yes. Jesus wanted Peter to stop doubting his love for Jesus. To see that, he really did love Jesus.

But that wasn’t all that Jesus did. He knew Peter still needed answers.

And so tucked in the passage is a little word game in the original Greek.

In the passage – Jesus uses the word Agape for love, which refers to the unconditional love of God.

Each time, Jesus asks – do you love me unconditionally?

Peter responded Yes, I do love you. But the word he used for love was phileo – referring to human, brotherly love. And this happens all three times. Agape vs phileo. Unconditional love vs friendship love.

I always wondered why. I read up on many theological arguments about it but it was only recently, when I felt like I failed God did the reality of what happened came alive.

Jesus never gave up on Peter. But Peter had given up on himself. I don’t think Jesus doubted Peter’s love as a friend for Him, but Peter definitely realised his love for Jesus had fallen short.

And after this failure, Jesus was casting away the self-doubt shrouding Peter, the self- doubt that was there since the beginning when Peter asked Jesus to depart from him – I am sinful (Luke 5:8). The self-doubt that continued when Peter refused Jesus to wash his feet and then asked for his whole body to be washed (John 13)

Jesus was telling Peter – you really do love me. That’s why I’m asking you. Don’t doubt your love for me.

But Jesus takes it further, he allows Peter to acknowledge that his love is limited, that he loves Jesus, but only as a friend. And that human love is not enough.

And this is how he truly casts the self-doubt away. He reminds Peter that humanly, no one is perfect, and no one can love Jesus unconditionally. All the disciples fled, not just Peter. But with the help of the Holy Spirit – Peter will be able to tend the people under his care like the Good Shepherd, who laid down His life for His flock with unconditional love.

‘Peter, you loved me, don’t doubt it. Don’t doubt your love for me. But know, Peter, my son, that the love you have for me – is not enough. No human love is ever enough to stand in the day of judgement. Its only by My unconditional love coming in you and transforming you, will you be able to love me fully, and love my people well. Like I call you before, I still call you, but this time, go – not with human love, but the unconditional love I have shown on the cross of calvary.’

No one can ‘agape’ Jesus or God or others unconditionally without the power of the Holy Spirit. We all fall short, we are all sinners needing grace, needing unconditional love to transform us.

Let’s allow the Lord to come and take away that self-doubt by saying gently- its’ true, you can’t – it’s not humanly possible to live or love perfectly. But I have not rejected you – and you can and will continue the journey – not by your own power, but by the Love of God poured out through the Holy Spirit int Your heart.

May we walk in humility, by the power of the Holy Spirit daily, trusting not in our own capacity to love, but gazing on the cross of Jesus – where unconditional love overcame sin and death.